masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You took a bar mat shot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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