Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
