I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
