I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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