he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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