I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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