i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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