Princesses don't give blow jobs
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
