you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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