Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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