i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
