I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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