Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
