Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
