I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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