Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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