There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
