Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
