no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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