Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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