so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
