I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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