I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
