I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
