Just fell off a train. Bad.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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