guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
