so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
