As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sext me about skeletons
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
