Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
These tits shall not be calmed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
