I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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