Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
