My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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