why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
