I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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