is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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