I'm going to jail i love you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
