if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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