Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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