This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
