I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
