whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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