All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
