see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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