I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
