sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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