The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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