You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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