He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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