between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dear god my vagina.
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