Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
