Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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