cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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