Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
