i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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