im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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