I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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