I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just high enough for therapy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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