Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
