Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
